Regrets
by Trinity Carrie Fawkes
Summary: Short fic originally published under Trinity the Mad Skribbler: The death of one of the Seven rocks the others.


Disclaimer: These characters belong to Trilogy Entertainment, the Mirisch Group, MGM and CBS. No copyright infringement is intended. Please don't reproduce without the consent of the author. Oh, and please don't sue me. I'm already flat broke.

Regrets

by 

Carrie Fawkes (8/17/98)

Vin took a long pull off his bottle of whiskey and passed it on to Buck. He looked around the table and realized that life would never be the same again for any of them. Not Buck, who had seen so much death in his life that he seemed immune to its' effects, at least on the outside. Not Nathan, who had tried to help, only to realize the futility of his efforts. Josiah had gone off by himself after saying something to Vin about having another reason to doubt God's judgment. JD was probably seriously reconsidering life "out west." Poor Mary was a mess. They'd found her crying hysterically over the body, covered in blood. Vin also knew the guilt she was going to have to deal with no matter how unjustified. It wasn't her fault those murderous bastards had kidnapped her while they were all out of town. It wasn't her fault the jackass had gone after her by himself and gotten himself killed.

"Vin, where the hell is Chris?"

He looked up, startled by the hollow sound of Buck's voice. He shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs that had taken up residence in his brain nearly overnight.

"Out by the-"

He was cut off by the sound of retching. JD had made it as far as the saloon door when the sickness overcame him. Buck and Nathan both jumped to their feet to help the kid.

"Out by the grave. Same place he's been for two goddamn days", Vin was able to choke out before he dissolved into harsh sobs.

********

"Don't you think it's time to stop beating yourself up, Chris?" 

Chris stayed where he was on the ground. He was too tired and drained to even look up to see who had the nerve to bother him. Of course, he didn't really care. Whoever it was could shoot him for all he cared. His life wouldn't amount to a hill of dirt one way or the other. 

"Go away", he yelled at the interloper. He didn't need this now. Hell, he'd never need it. He'd gotten too many people in his life killed and it was too late to start changing now. He was a goddamn jinx and a bastard besides. "Leave me alone. I'll probably just get you killed, too."

Buck grabbed Chris by the hair and yanked him to his feet. He dodged a swinging fist that normally would've connected had Chris not been tired, sun-burnt and half crazy. Honestly, he didn't give a damn. He was tired of watching Chris kill himself with guilt over things he had no control over and couldn't change.

"Damn it, Buck. Let me alone, please." 

Buck had had it. He shoved Chris so hard they both fell hard in the dirt.

"Fine, Chris. That's just fine! I don't even know why I bother with you. You've been letting your guilt and need to control every little thing destroy you ever since Sarah and Adam died. And you've dragged everyone else down with you. I'm sick of it, you hear me? And I am not going to stand around and watch you kill yourself anymore!" 

Buck pulled himself up and looked down at Chris, who said nothing. 

"I'm so through with you, Larabee." 

He turned to walk away but was stopped in his tracks. 

"I thought he ran out on us again. If I had just trusted him, he wouldn't be dead right now. He deserved better than what I gave him, Buck." 

Buck drew a shaky breath and gazed up at the blue sky.

"Yeah, he did. So make it up to him, Chris. Go on living and..." Buck searched for the right words. "No, start living again. 'Cause your guilt doesn't mean shit to him. Never did and never will. 'Cause if you continue to wallow in it like a pig in mud, then Ezra died for nothing."

With that, Buck walked away.

Chris dropped his head to his knees and wept. He didn't know how long he sat there by Ezra's grave but when he looked up it was sunset. The sky was a red color that immediately reminded him of Ezra... the most beautiful sunset he'd ever seen. He stood up and saw a figure heading toward him from town. He recognized it as Mary. Chris reached into his pocket for a handkerchief to wipe his face and felt something odd there. Pulling it out, he saw it was a card. An Ace of spades. The smile and the tears came at the same time, both in joy. 

"Thanks buddy", he said before turning around and walking to meet Mary and his life. He wasn't afraid anymore.

THE END


End file.
